Cancer…
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Cancer is the scariest antagonist I could ever write about. The day my son-in-law told me Tiffany had cancer will forever be burned into my memory. I didn’t sleep that night, and haven’t had a single night of peaceful rest since. I used to be the kind of person who would fall asleep in seconds and not wake until morning, when I’m up early and raring to go. Now, I’m constantly sleep deprived and on edge.
Last weekend, we took a quick trip to Disneyland to celebrate the half-way mark through her chemo. Tiffany felt so good, I had difficulty keeping up with her. Her chemo on Tuesday, however, changed everything and brought reality crashing back again. Her blood count, while perilously low the previous treatment, dipped another thirty points. I wanted her to say no and wait until her body recuperated. I was in the minority. She had the chemo and went downhill fast. Today, I took her back for a checkup and they kept her. Since I had two of the kids and had to be back home to get Payton from the bus, I couldn’t stay. Two hours later, there’s still no news.
Payton says I’m continually grumpy with him and he’s right. All the patience I perfected over the years has disappeared. Now the least little transgression sets me off. At a time when I need to be positive and upbeat for Tiff, I’m falling short. It’s hard to find the bright spots when cancer is involved…
It’s difficult not to be resentful of the people I’ve known who have lived wasteful and unproductive lives…not caring how or what they do to others. They barrel through time, causing pain, having babies they don’t want or won’t care for, with little thought to the consequences of their actions.
Tiffany, on the other hand, has always been the perfect daughter. She never once experimented with tobacco, or drugs. Her idea of drinking is having a single Bellini at the Macaroni Grill. She doesn’t know what it feels like to wake up with hang over. She is married to the only man she’s ever loved. And she did nothing teenagers do to cause her parents to worry…until now. In short, my mother must not have cursed me!
I think it’s helped a little talking this out. It would help more for the phone to ring and to hear we’ve just passed another crisis. Instead it rang and I’m told they ordered two pages of tests for her and they’re worried it’s pneumonia. And to think, a week ago we were on our way to Disneyland…
Saturday;
It’s only been a day? It feels like several. Tiff is home and sleeping. We were due a break and got one…according to the CT scan, the enzyme level in her liver, while not exactly explained, could not be pinpointed as cancer spreading, which is what it could’ve been. The two babies are sleeping, Payton is playing quietly and Mike is watching football.
http://britblaise.com/blog/?p=23
Friday, November 17, 06 and two weeks after I started talking about this: What is it about a Friday lately? I had a manuscript to mail(already 4 days late) and Payton’s school called to say he’s sick. We took Parker too since he hadn’t been his usual perky little ten month self, and discovered he was on the verge of pneumonia. I had to take two sick kids and one very talkative one with me while I waited in the car while Tiff had an IV. (an hour) And then, when all was said and done, my manuscript still didn’t get mailed.
What’s the bright side…Tiff’s blood count when up and that’s a good thing! We have to take her for IV’s the next four days…this isn’t our normal regimen.
It’s becoming increasingly clear I’m not handling this well. I’m worn out, never get enough sleep and am so irritable. I argued with Tiff yesterday about why her husband never comes home when it’s chemo week. I know this is going to sound horrible, but I’ll say it anyway. I told her if he didn’t come home on chemo week next time, he wasn’t coming here. He could go stay with his mom.
I think Tiff wants him to come on the weeks she feels a little better, so she can enjoy her time with him. But for me… (better not say it)
I saw a blog this morning http://www.atomictumor.com/ you might want to take a look at.
I find it interesting…while I want to talk about this…I feel compelled to keep inside this box.
